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How a Single ZenCopy Edit Transformed this New Blogger’s About Page

harmoniousdiet

The thing about blogging is, well, it’s hard.

  • It’s hard for people to find your blog.
  • It’s hard to get them to read more than a little bit.
  • It’s really hard to get them to subscribe.

Even if you have something really great and important to say.

And what makes it even harder is not knowing exactly how to take all those awesome ideas in your head and putting them on your blog in a way that says what you want to say AND helps attract and keep readers.

And too often, in an attempt to make their writing more powerful because they are unsure of themselves, writers and bloggers scan the Internet for information. Then they apply this information.

The problem is you still may not end up with something that feels right to you but you’re not sure what the problem is.

Often the problem is this:

Generic writing advice leads to generic writing.

And generic writing takes out the very best thing in your writing – YOU.

Keep the You In Your Writing! Click to Tweet

That’s why I’m going to show you how one new blogger learned how, using his own words, he could transform his blog about page into something much more effective without any loss of self on the page.

He did this with the help of a single ZenCopy Edit.

First, What the heck is a ZenCopy Edit?

A ZenCopy edit makes good writing even better.

Wait, isn’t that what all edits are supposed to do?

Yes, but like generic writing advice, generic edits end up depersonalizing the unique content – like putting a whitewash over something colorful.

A ZenCopy Edit, on the other hand, aims to do 3 things:

  1. take existing content and makes it more effective for the particular medium (for instance, Internet)
  2. maintain the unique voice and intentions of the original writer, i.e., preserve the personal zen in the writer’s copy
  3. change as few of the original writer’s words as possible

This is what you need to always remember about your writing:

  • Learning the nuts and bolts of online writing is part science and part art.
  • Good copywriting is important. And, of course, good online writing technique is also important.
  • But MORE important is preserving your unique, natural voice and message, in everything you write (and do for that matter).

This is what you need to know about your writing Click to Tweet
With a ZenCopy Edit, you keep as much of the original content as possible while inserting solid copywriting and online writing techniques. This allows the original writer’s voice to shine and be presented in the most powerful and effective way.

In this ZenCopy Edit case study we were focused on a new blogger’s About Page and in a moment were going to get to the before and after copy.

But first I want to comment on…

The Thing About Your Blog About Page

Shlomo was right in being concerned about his About Page. Because for a blog, the About Page is key.

Here’s what Derek Hapern of the Diythemes.com and Social Triggers says regarding About Pages:

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…

The most important page on your blog is your about page. And if you don’t give that page the love it deserves, you’re losing fans—and customers—hand-over-fist. Here’s Why About Pages Are So Important – If you fire up your Google Analytics account, you’ll find that your About page is one of your most highly-trafficked pages.

Meet New Blogger, Shlomo Krudo 

Shlomo Krudo is on a quest. He’s struggled with weight for a long time and after finally finding a way to get himself to a healthy level, he started a blog so he could help others like himself.

But his writing didn’t match up to the vision in his head. He knew his About Page wasn’t what it could, or should be, but he was not certain how to fix it. Shlomo, as it turns out, is an good writer, despite the fact that English is not his first language. His sentences are good, his word choices are good.

But what makes for a good sentence offline does not necessarily make a good sentence online and it’s easy to lose impact.

So, when Shlomo signed up as a new ZenCopy Subscriber, he received my “Welcome, and what are you struggling with” email. He told me quite simply, that he knew his blog About Page was not as good as he wanted it to be but he wasn’t quite sure how to fix it.

I offered to help him with his About Page, no charge. Why would I do that? Because he was a ZenCopy subscriber. Because he took the time to tell me what he was struggling with. And because I love helping other writers and bloggers get what they want in life.

This is what Sholomo said about his Zencopy Edit:

“That was an amazing edit especially since you just took what I wrote (more or less) and put it in another perspective and it will have a totally different effect on the reader. I appreciate it so much because you can tell somebody how to write, but this “exercise” taught me more than all the e-books and workshops I did.”

this “exercise” taught me more than all the e-books and workshops I did

Now I’m going to share with you Shlomo’s original About Page content, and then how the ZenCopy Edit transformed it. I’ve added a few ZenCopy notes so you can see some of what I was thinking.

As you read Shlomo’s about page copy, be thinking about your own blog’s about page and how it can be made better WHILE maintaining the you in the page.

Here is Shlomo’s original About Page Content:

“If you are serious about losing weight and keeping it off, listen to what I say. My program will give you rare delight. But if you don’t have fun doing this thing, my friend, then it will be the dumbest damned thing you have ever done. I don’t mean taking weight off and keeping it off, I mean the crucial matter of gaining control of part of your life. That’s what you’d better glory in; otherwise you might as well ask your mother what to do next”.

 An excerpt from Richard Watson’s book

THE PHILOSOPHER’S DIET: HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT AND CHANGE THE WORLD (Godine, 1998)

Zencopy note: I love quotes. but I don’t think this long of a quote is a good way to start an about page because the quote is not from Shlomo. Will move this to bottom.

Well, you must be serious about losing weight if you’re here.

If you want to lose weight once and for all, without all the hype, get the advice and solutions you need to succeed right here.

Zencopy note: for readers it would be great to actually get real advice that isn’t all hyped up – my interest is piqued a little.

Learn how to develop good eating habits and maintain a healthy weight.

Discover how to incorporate physical activity into your life.

Find out why determination is such an important ingredient for your success.

Zencopy note: these are bullet-worthy points. Need to be highlighted with bullets so someone would see them on a quick page scan. Maybe move higher on page.

Create a lifestyle that dramatically increases the amount of energy and joy in your life and decreases the risk of health problems so you can enjoy life to the fullest.

If that sounds interesting, sign up to the newsletter to get started.

Zencopy note: good he’s asking for a sign up but call to action needs to be stronger.

My name is Shlomo Krudo, I’m 62, and until a few years ago, the word diet wasn’t even part of my vocabulary.

My experience with weight loss led me to put up this blog. I don’t know about you, but I HAD to lose weight. I found out that my excess weight was hazardous to my health.

As a result of a routine check up which my wife dragged me to, I found out that my blood pressure was borderline and so were my blood glucose levels, these two warning signs, according to my doctor, were directly related to my excess weight.

Since then I’ve become somewhat of an expert as far as diets go. My expertise is based on the fact that I was successful in my efforts to lose weight. I discovered the secret to losing weight and keeping it off.

Zencopy note: Ah hah! Here’s his story. And this is the nut of his purpose because he’s not a doctor hyping some product he’s a real person who has struggled with these real issues. This is something he needs to emphasize.

Start by feeding your mind, it’s not a diet, it’s a way of life

I found out that being overweight is the result, not the cause.

As a result of an intensive (sometimes obsessive) search I learned a few things about myself and a lot about my body. I changed some of my eating habits, combined that with some physical activity and determination, and I started losing weight and feeling good about myself.

I received a gift, my body and a second chance, and I’m committed to care for it the best I can. I want to help as many others as I can to do the same. I’ll share my experience with you and combine it with lots of useful information to help you make it simple.

Zencopy note: I like the feeling of this – maybe streamline.

If that sounds interesting, sign up to the newsletter to get started.

I am not a doctor or a nutritionist. The content contained on this site is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always discuss any weight loss plans with a professional. All my knowledge is a result of a search for answers and my personal experience. Check out my resources.

Shlomo has a lot of gems in his writing. The biggest problem here is he’s buried all his leads – all the good stuff – the stuff that needs to be highlighted and easy for a reader to scan.

It’s common for writers to bury their leads because we tend to build up steam in a paragraph so the best sentence is often the last sentence.

I ask you, look through some of your blog pages – should some of your last sentences really be first sentences?

Here is Shlomo’s Edited About Page Copy:

Would you like to create a lifestyle that…

  • dramatically increases the amount of energy and joy in your life?
  • decreases the risk of health problems?
  • helps you enjoy life to the fullest?

Well, you must be serious about losing weight if you’re here.

I know you’ve heard a lot of it before but here’s why the information and tips on this blog are different:

I am not an expert, I am just like you.

If you want to lose weight once and for all, from one human being to another and without all the hype you will get the advice and solutions you need to succeed right here. I will help you:

  • Learn how to develop good eating habits and maintain a healthy weight
  • Discover how to incorporate physical activity into your life
  • Find out why determination is such an important ingredient for your success

If that sounds interesting, sign up to the newsletter to get started.

My Weight Loss Story – Why this Blog Exists

My name is Shlomo Krudo, I’m 62, and until a few years ago, the word diet wasn’t even part of my vocabulary. I don’t know about you, but I HAD to lose weight. I found out that my excess weight was hazardous to my health.
As a result of a routine checkup which my wife dragged me to, I found out that my blood pressure was borderline and so were my blood glucose levels; these two warning signs, according to my doctor, were directly related to my excess weight.
Since then I’ve become somewhat of an expert as far as diets go. My expertise is based on the fact that I was successful in my efforts to lose weight. I discovered the secret to losing weight and keeping it off and I am dedicated to helping you achieve weight-loss success too.

I found out that being overweight is the result, not the cause.

As a result of an intensive (sometimes obsessive) search I learned a few things about myself and a lot about my body. I changed some of my eating habits, combined that with some physical activity and determination, and I started losing weight and feeling good about myself.

Start by feeding your mind, it’s not a diet, it’s a way of life

I received a gift, my body and a second chance, and I’m committed to care for it the best I can. I want to help you do the same. These are the 3 things I promise to do for you:

  1. I’ll share my experience with you
  2. I’ll give you lots of useful information
  3. I’ll help you make it simple

Sound good? Then sign up for the newsletter to get started.

Below that I suggested Shlomo insert his inspirational excerpt from Watson’s book and then his disclaimer.

When I sent the edits to Shlomo I told him upfront to only use the edits that felt true to who he is.

He took his ZenCopy Edits and made a few tweaks of his own, including keeping the inspirational quote more toward the top of the blog – clearly that quote is of high importance to him. You can see his final version here.

Tips for Giving Your Own About Page a ZenCopy Edit

Go over your about page and ask yourself these

About Page Questions:

  • Do I tell the reader right away what is in it for them if they read my blog?
  • Where can the writing itself be stronger?
  • Where can the writing be shorter yet say the same thing?
  • What is the main purpose of my about page?
  • Do I have enough calls to action (subscribe)?
  • What is the one big thing that sets me apart, and have I emphasized that enough?
  • Where can I insert more of “me” on the page?

Anyone can do a ZenCopy Edit on anything they write. The point of it all is, yes, learn new techniques that make your writing better and more effective for the medium…

BUT never ever – EVER – depersonalize your writing or take out your own unique perspective and voice. Ever.

NEVEREVER.

The world does not need more generic writing. We need high-impact “you” writing.

Here are some additional tips for About Pages:

Derek Hapern on DIY Themes blog suggests you include the following on your About Page:

  1. Persuasive, Benefit-Driven Headline
  2. A Short, Reassuring Benefit-Driven Introduction
  3. Social Proof, Testimonials, and other Reassurances
  4. Your Personal Story
  5. The Closer – what do you want people to do?

Copyblogger recommends including:

  1. Prime people for your website’s content and why it’s important
  2. Opt-in form
  3. Show social proof
  4. Opt-in form
  5. Show personal back story
  6. Opt-in form

Keep writing and work hard to keep the you in your writing!

You can find Shlomo’s blog Harmonious Diet Here and if you yourself are struggling with weight, it’s a great blog to get support and information from someone who has been there.

If you’re not a ZenCopy subscriber yet, what are you waiting for? Subscribe to ZenCopy now!

Do you have a blog about page you’d like to share here? Please let us know about it in the comments below.

About the author: Karen, zencopy creator, is a top 10 bestselling amazon author, creativity coach, and an online content specialist with a masters in psychology and passion for learning and teaching new topics.

4 comments… add one

  • Really great advice and helpful links! Do you give ZenCopy edits out to anyone interested?

    • Hi Sammy – time permitting I do to subscribers. When you subscribe to zencopy you get an email that asks what you are struggling with and if you take the time to share with me what your issues are, if it relates to being stuck on copy or editing I often make the offer. Feel free to make a specific request. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

  • Hey Karen

    Great post, being objective and all.

    You got the point across in a nice and simple way.

    Thank you

    Shlomo Krudo

    • Hi Shlomo, great to have the “star” of this post stop by. Feel free to respond to any comments that apply to you.
      If anyone has questions or comments for Shlomo, feel free to post here.